Helping Kids Handle Big Emotions: Co Regulation Strategies for Parents

Co regulation is an extremely effective tool when it comes to helping your child handle big emotions. When it’s done well, co regulation forges a strong bond that makes them feel safe and puts their nervous system at ease. If you are unfamiliar with the concept, co regulation is the sharing of one’s nervous system with others. So in terms of parenting, you are sharing your nervous system with your child. 

Children don’t automatically know how to regulate their emotions & nervous system. So how do they learn? By watching their parents. A great example of this is when a young child falls down, they immediately look to their parents to determine how to respond. If you have a big reaction and freak out, then so will they. If you stay calm, make sure they are ok, and then move on like it wasn’t a big deal – they do the same. 

Co regulation plays a vital role in your child’s ability to self regulate in the future. It takes time to learn these skills, and some children will require more co regulation support than others. And that is completely ok. In all honesty, your child will look to you for co regulation support their whole lives, but – they really need your support in their formative years. 

Now that we’ve talked about how incredibly important co regulation is, let me teach you how to effectively co regulate with your child.

Co Regulation: How To Share Your Calm

First let’s highlight a few cues that will signal your child needs your help to regulate. The main thing to look out for is big emotions. Are you noticing a build up of frustration? Does your child look like they are on the verge of a meltdown? Maybe their eyes are wide and a little glossy from tears, or their eyebrows are furrowed. Do they seem more impulsive or out of control with their body? Are their fists clenched? Does it seem like they are shutting down or struggling to communicate? 

If the answer is yes, it’s time to power up your co regulation skills.

Step One: Calm Yourself

Your first priority is to take care of your own regulation. You need to stay calm & grounded. You want to share a calm, grounded, safe nervous system. If you aren’t calm, you could end up sharing a stressed out, overwhelmed nervous system. You don’t want to do that. If you are feeling dysregulated, take a few breaths and remember these things –

• Your child isn’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Your child is in survival mode. They need your help.

Step Two: Connect With Your Child

To do this you want to get low, be quiet, and stay present. Whether you are kneeling or sitting on the ground, get down to your child’s eye level. Listen and validate their feelings by using short phrases & words. You don’t want to overwhelm them with a bunch of questions or directions. Learn to be comfortable with some silence. 

Give them plenty of time to shift gears. Offer to hold their hand, give them a hug, or scratch their back. You could also start modeling self soothing strategies like taking deep breaths, looking through a book, or coloring. Stay with your child until their nervous system is in a good place.

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Co regulation, though it may sound simple, can be really challenging at times. It’s ok if you don’t always get it right, just keep trying your best! Remember not to take things personally in the moment, and stay calm.

If you are looking for regulation support, we’d love to support you virtually with parent coaching or through therapy sessions in person at our clinic in Sandy Springs, Georgia. Our experienced team of occupational therapy practitioners can help you understand how to support your child better and bring more balance into your family life. Get started by filling out our contact form!

Not Sure What To Do When Your Child Has a Meltdown?

We’ve create a resource for you that’ll walk you through the four phases of a meltdown & tell you what to do at each stage to support your child. Meltdowns are a normal part of childhood, but they’re also an opportunity for connection & learning. See what we mean by downloading the resource (for free!) below.

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